if there's a button that can, at the very least, stop one's "getting old" process... i'd be one of the first to push it. i'm not asking for an immediate release, just a slowing down of events. i have spent my lifetime finishing up my undergrad, without realizing that i am wasting away moments which should have been spent with the most important people in my life. yes, in true click-fashion, the hell with this career that takes over your life.
the holy week made me remember a few things about who iam. the most important thing: that above anything else, my family defines who i am. i've always felt this weird connection with the mommy--- i love how she serves as the glue that strongly holds the family together, but i am hating that fact that i sense her slowly letting us all go. i want the take-charge mommy back. and i pray and wish and hope that everything will be fine, soon.
- Mood:
optimistic
i am becoming the very person i hate. which is really bad, at least according to that cliche that says before-we-can-love-other-people-we-must-f
the younger sister is really leaving me for good. the family needs her more than i need her. by thursday, i'll be forced to enter my zone alone. as always. (.......................................
then i saw my dearest' recent facebook status: "we are meant not just to exist but to thrive." if that was posted by any other person, i''d be pissed, bigtime. but it's THE dearest. he exemplifies that cliche. so, i smiled.
maybe the real reason why i can suddenly feel the weight of the world is because i am just existing. i have ceased to thrive. i wake up each day hurriedly going through each task, just for the heck of it. i have long refused the show of emotion, and i am no more in touch with it. i need that good cry. right now.
i don't think i am defined by my actions. if i am, then the definition won't be a definition. (you see, i am as unpredictable as the state of my hair.)
i believe i am defined by my family, the people i never chose to be part of, but proud and happy to be part of anyway. i owe my existence to them (second to THE being up there of course) and this thriving business i owe for myself. i am defined by my small circle of friends, the people i rarely see or spend my time with. i am defined by my existence, which now, must be escalated to the highest state possible.
----
FM tributes are everywhere, and it's overwhelming. His death gave me a change of perspective. i don't know francis magalona personally but i am affected by his lost. (i spent the past two hours of my night reading his personal blogs from his own multiply site and that other site which chronicled his "happy battle".)
'must say i've been inspired. i don't know why. but i am.
faith is such a wonderful and powerful thing. =j
- Mood:
numb
“I know I'm being an ass. I can't help it. I'm pissed off, all the time. So much so that I'm losing my mind. But you can't be pissed at a crazy chick for losing her mind, so there's nobody else for me to be pissed at. Except you.”
I felt like I have made that huge transition from being the “sunny” girl to the “no fun” girl. I am, of course, not liking it. I hate the fact that I frequently enter the “anger zone”. I am not a throw-all-the-things-around-me kind of person, and I am used to just keeping the anger on the wraps. (Yes, when my inside's are literally exploding--- i chose to keep my mouth shut.)
Then I get the new roommate and I suddenly learned to share all the anger out. She's my absorber, my handy acoustical absorptive material.
Yes, I want her to stay for my own selfish reasons.
----
She's confused. Who wouldn't be? She spent all her life sheltered. She's (still) not well-adjusted to this city life. She's a baby, I get that. And me being her roomate isn't helping. (I guess.) I am such a moody roomate. She gets that. I stare her down and she stammers. I start my nonstop sermon and she enters her panic state. Then she'll be able to make me smile all the time. ALL THE TIME.
---
I am back to my managerial-task. managing her work applications. cheering her up (with food, what else? =j). I want her to stay for my own selfish reasons. I want her to realize that it's time to grow up. It may take some more time but i am sure she will. We are made from the same material anyway.
But i hope she won't enter this pathetic state of mine in the future. So maybe, she must go.
---
I need her here.
The more i think about it, the more i feel wrong. This is the first time i had a sister for my roomate (ate loy's ilang-ilang stint with me doesn't count, she was technically never my roomate) and i am loving it. (And her "home cooked" meals.)
---
This post has been going around my head the entire time I was board the philcoa-bound jeepney . I am being bothered by the younger sister’s predicament--- should she stay or should she go?
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